26 Jul Do You Always Want To Be Right Or Do You Want To Be Happy?
Love is the foundation of any relationship, so why, at times, do we feel like we need to defend ourselves from attack. Why is it so important for us to feel that we are right? My opinions and my feelings on a subject hold more weight than yours! But if my need to be right and just is so strong, does that make you invariable wrong? This stance will surely ruin relationships, If I am telling the truth does this mean you’re dishonest? How is that going to work out? This irrational thought process is sure to cause arguments and disagreements?!
If you were to ask both parties in a relationship, “What matters more…you being right, or your happiness?”, of course they are going to pick being happy, right? Humm…why then do arguments arise over and over again? Within moments of resolution we are seeking our victory, still longing for our winning reasoning to prevail, which really means no one is essentially listening. Words are hoovering above us, back and forth, your turn, my turn, and yet no winners!
Nothing will halt conversation more than the words “your wrong”, the plunge of resounding silence and the assurance that every word uttered thereafter, will fall on deaf ears. Whilst we seek out validation and feelings of being loved in relationships, this is different than compelling another into your way of thinking. Friendships would ache and it would be difficult to endure this agonising pain but yet in romantic relationships we expect to engage with crusaders, hard shelled warriors, demanding our loved ones to bear this cross and take every attack without objection.
Upon reflection, if we pause for just a moment, slow down and just listen to the other person, we can move past this standstill. With no venting there can be clarity. With no noise there can be harmony. Setting aside our own intentions and grasping this new approach may often cease conflicts.
When fixed in argument, ask yourself, “is there 5% of what he/she is saying that we could agree with?”, focusing on the 5% does not mean a person needs to admit defeat or shift their intentions, we are merely suspending the focus on the 95%. Acknowledging a grain (5%) of truth in someone else’s viewpoint shifts the energy and requires one to accept responsibility, e.g. “I accept that when I say hurtful comments, this upsets you”. How would that feel, how would it feel to have some of what you say validated? Would this allow you to accept your own downfalls, for e.g. “I appreciate that when I speak over you it makes you feel unheard and that your say is worthless”.
We are turning a corner here, this merging of acceptance, validation and understanding of each other brings people away from the foolish stance of winning to a more balanced viewpoint. The important thing to remember here is validation should not arise with objection, so we can’t just say “yes. BUT…”, instead establish a common ground. There is a shift now, a transition, a change. Slowing down and taking a pause.